Tanked

I am still so worn out these days. The Car Crash was 16 months ago and I continue to feel its effects daily. Scott is worn out. Sometimes I think even Elizabeth is worn out. 

I have cut nearly all my extraneous activities to conserve all of our energy for the essentials. Chickens are rehomed. I have effectively given up herding (temporary and reluctantly). I’m saying no to volunteer opportunities. I am, god help me, feeding my family pre made meals from Costco. My house is dirty. Dog poo pick up is sporadic. I am even, radically, considering weekly trash pick up. 

This all goes against my grain and offends my tender sensibilities. 

2015 was good in some respects. I don’t have a pituitary tumor. While I have PCOS (an insulin resistance syndrome) I have a doctor I trust that is on top of it. I don’t like how I feel stoned after my night time pill cocktail. My husband is steadfast and loving and supportive. 

But I miss my agile and clever brain. I  am ashamed I failed my Oracle renewal. It takes a phenomenal amount of effort to learn new tech and adjust when my proverbial cheese gets moved. 

I miss my papa and have irrational obsessions about his death (MUST get his forge to Anchorage). Papas death ripped the scabs off the deaths of Dave, Kylson, Kat, Pat, Roger, grandpa Glenn, Grandma Lourie, Great Aunty Elva, Abby dog, Uncle Don, Trooper Hans (who used to crack me up by unsnapping his holsters and pretend he was going to shoot his laptop), Francis, John, and Eric. And more. That’s a lot of loss. For Scott and I. These are all people I respected or loved or both. All of their deaths fresh again is exhausting. I am working so hard to reframe and redirect and remind myself of how very very fortunate Scott and I are. And the great gift of Elizabeth and family and the understanding loving support of friends.
It’s not all bad. I really don’t intend this as a pity party. I’m worried about mom. Transitioning to widow hood takes a great deal of courage and I ache for the painful changes and sad firsts she has ahead of her.

Concentrating on caring for family, raising Elizabeth, making a determined effort to choose joy. 

I know these challenges are temporary. If we endure long enough there are better days ahead. 

Roscoe is a delight. 

I have permission to set up an aquarium at work. I believe that will bring much needed moments of peace. 

I am so thankful for the good things in our lives. Considering alternatives if my learning speeds don’t return to normal. It will improve. 

I’m confused by my personality change. Girly stuff I never did before are now entertaining. Makeup. Perfume. Beautiful clothes, where will it end?

 Going to focus on the good stuff.